The Adventures of A Second-Rate Cook

Magpie Tale 148
 

Fern Inman tasted the soup. Liese hovered at her shoulder nervously. There was a long silence while Fern rolled the soup over her tongue before swallowing. She looked at Liese and her eyes were full of apology. Liese felt her shoulders slump. “It’s still second-rate isn’t it?”

“I’m sorry Liese,” Fern sighed and patted her shoulder.

Liese looked glumly at the soup. She was the best second-rate cook in the province, and everyone knew it. When the Bronze Salamander Inn had been a second-rate inn, her meals had been legendary. They hit the fine line between tasteless and inedible perfectly. Her second-rate cooking was so bad it had once killed a dragon. But now that the Salamander was a first-rate inn, Liese’s cooking just wasn’t up to starch. “What will I do?” she moaned.

Before Fern could answer, her husband Finn, came bustling into the kitchen. “The Green Crescent Hero Band is coming for the week,” he announced. “That’s fifteen more people to feed tonight.” Then he caught a look at their faces. “Still no luck?” he asked.

Liese shook his head.

“Don’t worry, we’ll figure something out,” said Finn reassuringly, but Liese wasn’t so sure.

The next day Liese was helping Meg wash sheets at the back of the inn. The weather was beautiful and she and Meg where splashing each other and laughing when Finn came running out. “I’ve got it!” he called.

“Got what?” asked Meg while Liese tried to stop laughing.

“The Green Crescent Heroes! They can take you with them.” Finn said to Liese and looking very pleased with himself.

“Take me where?” asked Liese, all laughter gone.

“Anywhere. They range all over the province. They know where all the inns are. They could help you find a new job.”

Liese thought about it. He was right. And as much as she loved the Bronze Salamander, it was clear her talents needed to stay with a second-rate inn. But – “Someone would have to file a quest at the Quest Office. And I don’t have the money for that.”

Finn brushed off this objection with a wave of his hand. “Fern and I will file the quest. It’s the least we can do. After all,” he looked at her fondly and suddenly sad. “You’re like family. We’ll miss you of course, but it seems like this is the best option.”

So at the end of the week, Liese packed a bag, hugged the Inmans and Meg goodbye and headed off with the heroes. After three weeks they had been to twenty-two second-rate inns, and while they all agreed that Liese’s cooking was horrible, none of them were in need of a cook. As they rode out from the last inn the clouds darkened above them and it began to rain, which reflected Liese’s mood. If only she could cook something to cheer herself up, but the band wouldn’t let her cook. They already had a cook, who was also their healer and could even use a sword if necessary. Liese felt very inadequate. At the end of the day the rain had let up some, but it was still drizzling. They camped in a forest clearing and she went to sit by herself a little away from the band. She managed to find a dry spot under a tree. Rina, the youngest member of the band and about Liese’s age, tried to talk to her, but Liese insisted she wanted to be alone. After giving her a sympathetic look, Rina had gone to practice her swordplay.

Leaning against the tree, Liese was lost in her own thoughts when the bandits attacked. At first she wasn’t sure what was happening. One minute she was staring off into the darkness, and the next there was a lot of yelling and clashing of swords. Liese jumped up and found a man pointing his sword at her. She gulped. “Move,” the man growled, jerking his head towards the forest. Liese was a cook, not a warrior, so she went. She stumbled across tree roots trying not to think about what would happen to her. By the time she thought of trying to memorize her way back to the band’s camp, she was already lost; and anyways it was too dark. Eventually they came to another clearing where the bandits’ camp was. Liese shivered and they waited.

“What’d you bring that girl back for?” another bandit asked as he came into camp.

“Anyone rich enough to travel with a hero band will pay a nice ransom,” answered her captor.

“I’m not rich,” protested Liese, sick at the thought of Finn and Fern paying a ransom. They had already done enough for her. “I’m just a cook.”

The men looked at each other and Liese couldn’t see their expressions. “Then cook something,” the second man ordered. He lit the fire and directed her to the food packs. What have I gotten myself into? Liese wondered. But at least she could cook. More bandits wondered into camp while she was cooking. Liese concentrated on cooking, glad to be doing something so familiar. She was sorry when she was done and started handing out wooden bowls that the men snatched from her.

For a moment there was the sound of chewing. Only for a moment though. “What is this?” roared one of the men spitting his food out. The rest quickly followed. They all looked angrily at Liese. “Who brought her here?” Liese’s heart pounded as the men argued about what to do with her. She backed away, glad they weren’t paying attention to her, but fearful that they would do something with her soon.

“How’d you do it?” someone whispered in her ear.

Liese jumped and turned. One of the bandits was standing next to her. “Do what?” she asked.

“The food. How’d you make it so bad? I’ve never seen uncle Rob refuse food before. Could you teach me?”

Liese couldn’t help but feel slightly flattered. While she was wondering if it would be possible to teach someone all the secrets of second-rate food, a sharp whistle sounded on the other side of the camp. Liese and all of the bandits looked towards it. A few bandits went to investigate. Liese considered making a run for it, but then remembered one bandit was standing right next to her. “Shouldn’t you go see what’s going on?”

He took a step forward then turned back, “Now wait a minute - ”

Suddenly he toppled over. Liese gasped, what was going on?

“Come on Liese, let’s go!” Relief flooded through her as she recognized Rina’s voice. Rina tossed her club away and they ran. “Gold did the whistling,” Rina explained. “He’s good at distractions. We have the camp all packed up. Once we get there, get on a horse and we ride!”

“What about the bandits?” gasped Liese.

“We’ll tell the authorities at the next town about them.”

Liese didn’t know how Rina knew where they were going, but she was happy to follow. It seemed to take longer getting back to the band’s clearing than it had to get to bandits’. Liese tried not to trip and had to keep ducking branches. At last they arrived. Rina helped Liese on to a horse then swung up behind her. Liese held on for dear life as they galloped away.

“Well, that was a great adventure!” said Rina when they finally stopped galloping. Liese decided that she didn’t like adventures. She wished Finn hadn’t thought to send her off with the heroes. When they reached the next town she knew she was the most glad to see the inn, even though it was first-rate and she couldn’t possibly get a job there.

The heroes spent the next day consulting with the local authorities how best to catch the bandits. Liese was happy to just hang around the inn. She talked with the cook, who tried to teach her how to cook first-rate, and even though she knew she couldn’t do it, Liese was delighted to be in a kitchen again.  As the cook tried to teach her, Liese thought about the bandit’s question from the night before. If I where trying to teach someone, how would I do it? She wondered. Slowly an idea began to form. When the heroes came back that night, she had it all fleshed out.

“Teach second-rate cooking?” Rina grinned. “Anyone who wants to learn would fall over themselves to have you as their teacher.”

Liese flushed at Rina’s praise. But she was pleased. Maybe this would work.

“But where will you teach?” asked Gold.

“The Inn and Tavern Guild in Gibbous City,” Liese answered promptly. “All inns have to be approved by them. It’s the perfect place for me.”

So they headed out the next morning. It was raining again, but Liese was happy. Soon she would have a new job, and if she was lucky they wouldn’t run into another adventure before they reached Gibbous City.


To find out how Liese's cooking killed a dragon check out The Bronze Salamander.